Romans 16:17
17 I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them.
Psalms 28:7
7 The Lord is my strength and my
shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am
helped.
My heart leaps for joy
And I will give thanks to him in
song.
Psalms 9:16
16 The Lord is known by his justice;
the wicked are ensnared by the
work of their hands.
Proverbs 28:5
5 Evil men do not understand justice,
but those who seek the Lord
understand it fully.
Isaiah 28:6
6 He will be a spirit of justice
to him who sits in judgment,
a source of strength
to those who turn back the battle
at the gate.
Isaiah 11:2-4
2 The Spirit of the Lord will rest on
him-
the Spirit of wisdom and of
understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and of
power,
the Spirit of knowledge and of the
fear of the Lord-
3and he will delight in the fear of the
Lord.
He will not judge by what he sees
with his eyes,
or decide by what he hears with his
ears;
4but with righteousness he will judge
the needy,
with justice he will give decisions
for the poor of the earth.
He will strike the earth with the rod
of his mouth;
with the break of his lips he will
slay the wicked.
I come before you Lord because I need strength, wisdom, and healing. My heart is shattered and my emotions are going in every which direction. The feeling of betrayal and anger are overcoming all of my other emotions. Please Lord, grant me the wisdom to speak and think rationally and to make wise decisions. Grant me the strength to overcome this horrible situation. The strength to be calm, not be weak. Lord I know you are the only one who can heal this and make this right. I give you all the glory. In Jesus name. Amen.
——
Well, I haven’t updated in a while. Due to being busy and things that are best to be explained. This will be a huge post, so prepare yourself.
Sometimes in life we need to prepare ourselves for what is to come, but yet we do not know what that is. Well, that is until you go through some horrible experiences. I’ve explained what happened to me and that it has taken its toll on me. I’ve gained weight, and I’ve lost it. I’ve had more sleepless nights than I’ve had in quite a long time. I believe I’ve conquered more than I thought I had, though I still don’t know what more there is to conquer. And I’m battling thoughts, actions, opinions, and decisions I am making and what not. I have addictions that are probably harmful; those are caffeine and being on the computer, specifically being on the internet.
In high school, every year I had at least 3 or more energy drinks a day. On weekends, probably even more. That’s how I survived school. Even though it was my best ally (in some aspects) it was also my worst enemy. I survived on about 4-10 hours of sleep during the school week and on the weekends; I’d sleep practically all day to catch up on what I needed. The reason I tell this is because this is happening again. I had kicked energy drinks for almost 4 years (3 ½ years to be exact), and I consider it an addiction. Now it feels like I’ve relapsed. I have to have any form of caffeine. I’d drink 5 pots of coffee if it didn’t make me sick after 2 cups. I gather change, anything, this even means if I need pennies, to save to go buy myself a energy drink or soda, or a few of each. My sleep schedule is going back to that of high school. This affects me like no other. My thought process seems more irrational and I jump the gun when making the simplest and even the more complicated decisions, which I can hardly think through. I can hardly make choices when grocery shopping. Meaning, if there isn’t one item that is on the item specifically I have to call my mother to clarify. I call her at least 10 times, which is really sad. Because, I’m a 20 year old adult that can hardly deal with life outside of the house. It’s definitely affecting me horribly. And even when it’s not the caffeine, it’s my mind that goes a million miles an hour, thinking about all sorts of things. So that doesn’t help the sleep situation. I’ve tried to just relax, but that doesn’t work. I pray every night and that helps but I plan on trying to meditate and empty my mind, as a friend suggested that might work, because he has horrible insomnia and that works for him. But I give this all up to God, because I know that if I put it in His hands it will help me greatly.
My Christmas was good except for the fact that my nephew and sister went to Reno for it to spend with family. But I believed that my sister had more of a selfish reason as to why she was spending the holiday in Reno. To be with that nasty sex and porn addicted husband of hers. Though I didn’t know that was what was going to happen, I felt something was different when she came back. She acted more secretive and didn’t answer certain questions directly. She always steered it off, totally ignored it, or went off on a tangent.
The day my sister was driving home from Reno something horrible had happened. My grandfather had an accident. I’m not entirely sure what happened but he got burned horribly. His face, right arm, and right leg got second degree burns. He got care flighted to the Burn Center at UC Davis (I think it’s UC Davis). My mom left the day it happened and was there with my grandfather for around 10 or so days. He was in so much pain but we gave it to the Lord. His face totally healed but he did have to get a skin graph for his hand and leg. But he is healing really well and is now at home. We are still praying for my grandfather because we never know
what could happen.
My mom came back and everything was going great. Then after about two or so days I got some of the worse news yet. My mom and I were talking and I was telling her my fears and how I felt. Well my fears were correct. My sister is going back to her perverted, porn addicted, manipulative, selfish, and controlling, not even a man of a husband. She’s moving back January 21st and I’m still in shock. I’ve now known for about a week and a half. And I’m shocked, hurt, betrayed, and so incredibly angry. I know I have no right to judge her walk and relationship with God and I say this because she says that God has led her to this decision of reconciliation. But, I believe that this decision is more of her than God. I say this because she is lonely, has barely any self esteem, and even though I hate to say this, weak. I say that I hate to say that she’s weak because my entire life I’ve known her to be strong person, at least that is how she was before she got married about 4-5 years ago. He changed her and not for the better. And I know she has, but she doesn’t see it. She has had an anger problem, but it has never been as bad as it’s been these past 4 years. She gets so angry that she can’t even see past her nose. It’s hard to be patient with her when she is in that rage or just in a mood where you don’t even want to be in close proximity with her.
I can’t even begin to describe how much she has changed because I don’t even know the extent of how much of her has. But the change is evident in everything she does. It’s hard for me to understand her logic in this. What is fueling her, completely, to make this decision? It’s like my mother says, you can’t make sense out of crazy. And it’s true. This choice and thought process she has is crazy in its own sense. It’s horrible. I cannot stand it anymore. Even though she is my sister and I lover her, I do not have to welcome that perverted man back into my life, and I do not have to accept this decision of hers.
I haven’t spoken to her since I was told about her moving back. That’s been about 2 weeks now. Last night though it got worse. My mom and I were just hanging out in the living room when I heard her on the phone with him. In the bathroom. She had him on speaker phone while she was in the bath. That set me off. Because she showed such an insensitivity and disrespect for the victim, to me. My mom was furious because she was even disrespected. Not only did this happen, she purposely got her blanket and came to sleep on the couch. I’ve been sleeping on the couch because I cannot stand being around her and her possessions (we share a room). It makes me feel disgusted and physically sick. That may seem immature but every time I see one of her things I am reminded of her choice and that nasty man she is going back too.
This is taking more of a toll on me than I thought. For half the night last night, I slept at the kitchen table because I wanted to avoid conflict with my sister at all costs and she decided to sleep on the couch again. She’s been pushing me to my limits. With how angry I’ve been I’m sure if she keeps trying to push my buttons, that she’s going to get hit by my fists. This, the situation, and everything that goes along with it is truly a test for me as well. It’s testing my ability to keep calm and control my emotions. I know as long as I give this situation up to God and it’s in his hands, things will get better.
My mom and I only have a few days left to spend with my nephew. It kills me to know that. But this week and a half has been one of the best I’ve had with him. Playing Wii, specifically Super Mario Bros., playing Legos, and building ‘shooter’ guys and just having tons of fun. Just writing about it brings a smile and even tears, sad and joyful to my face. I love him so very much that my heart hurts to even know what kind of environment he is going back into. I’m worried about him but I pray constantly and every day that angels will surround him and will protect him from any harm. I’m worried not only about the living environment but where they are going to be living in. The house that that horrible man got, a trailer (which don’t get me wrong there are trailers that are very nice, my grandparent’s live in one [converted and built onto]), in one of the worst places to live in. With a house cooking meth in every third home. And with drug addicts roaming around. I’m worried about the safety of my nephew and my sister. But I pray for them both because I don’t want anything horrible to happen to them.
It’s been hard for me knowing she’s going back but I cannot stop her. She is a grown woman and it’s her choice. Whether it’s a mistake or not, it will be a learning process in everything she does. But it’s like I told her, she may be going back for the reason she thinks, but God may have another reason for her being there. We don’t know why she is there and it’s for the reasons she or I think it’s for. God will reveal it in good time, because only He truly knows.
Not only is it hard but its heart breaking. It’s been a few days now since she left and it’s silent here compared to what it used to be. The only noise I hear is the TV or the mouse, keyboard, or phone. There is no running around with my nephew or him talking. No telling jokes or playing Wii or with his toys with him. My days were so fulfilling and now when I try to sleep I feel somewhat empty. Like I didn’t complete something important during the day. It’s saddening. I don’t like feeling empty because it makes my life dreary, even though I know it’s not. But I have God, my family, friends, parkour/freerunning, art, and music to get through this rough time in my life. And that’s what matters.
